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Film: Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie
Director: Greg Blatman
Performers: Marilyn Chambers, Dustin Diamond, Heidi Fleiss, Paul Rodriguez, Paul Ogata, Too $hort, Ron Jeremy & Tera Patrick
Production Information: Watermark Pictures, 2009 (USA)
Breeds featured: Labrador Retriever, Shar Pei, Doberman Pinscher, English Bulldog, Labradoodle, Rhodesian Ridgeback, Dachshund, Chihuahua

WARNING: I kept my screencaps clean for this review. The links are mostly safe, but may become NSFW if you click too far. The film itself is unrated, but it should be evident that it’s not recommended for all audiences. Or any audience, for that matter, “mature” or otherwise.

There was a brief period in the history of American cinema during which it was believed that hardcore pornography could be screened in mainstream theaters as legitimate film art. In this history that might have been, Marilyn Chambers was a true star, a smartly cast “heroine” whose feathered blonde innocence both plays into and subverts the very notion of all-American feminine purity. Despite the success of her X-rated films such as Behind the Green Door (1972) and Insatiable (1980), neither Chambers nor the so-called “porno chic” genre she helped create were able to survive the sexual freeze brought upon by the frighteningly real advent of AIDS and 1980s cultural conservatism. From her former heights, Chambers plummeted…

… and Porndogs was where she ended up, a title which has the dubious distinction of claiming her last performance.

The summary from the box:

The story is simple. Sadie, the most beautiful yellow lab in the whole wide world, lives an idyllic, pampered life in the suburbs. One day, she comes into heat and has no idea what to do with her new found feelings and urges. When she learns that her loving owners are about to have her spayed, she runs away to the big city where her erotic adventures begin.

Marilyn Chambers gives voice to Sadie. Frankly, I wish she had taken this to her grave. I think this film is a waste of time and brain cells, and I’m revolting against sacrificing any more of my life to this most unworthy piece of crap, so I’m going to keep this short.

In more capable hands, this had the potential to be clever satire. I mean this sincerely. Maybe if the cinematography or staging had attempted to gesture meta-cinematically towards the aforementioned history of American pornography, or said something semi-interesting about the way that humans anthropomorphize our pets, or even the place of dogs themselves in contemporary society, the film would have been watchable. I’m not exactly holding Porndogs to unreasonably high standards by hoping for an updated Mooch Goes to Hollywood, after all.

Instead, you just get PAIN, personality-less pooches, and flaccid, ad-libbed jokes that drag on forever. My god, the film is 80 minutes long! I’m particularly unforgiving of poorly-done racial comedy. Case in point:

Sadie: What, uh, happened to your face?
Master Dong: You no worry about my face.
Sadie: Oh, I’m sorry. It just looks so… different.
Dong: Me no different. You — me — same, same.
Sadie: We are?
Dong: Absorrutely. You know? Me, Shar Pei. We both Asian.
Sadie: But I’m not Asian!
Dong: You yellow Lab, no?
Sadie: Well, yes.
Dong: Well, we both yerrow!

That’s some pretty limp writing there.

Other notable encounters include a Doberman Pinscher (voiced by Too $hort), a world-weary, street-hustling Ridgeback mix (voiced by “Hollywood madam” Heidi Fleiss), a sado-masochistic Dachshund who introduces Sadie to his world of “special” toys, and finally, a Labradoodle (Dustin Diamond, yes that Dustin Diamond of Saved by the Bell) whose shaggy, surfer-dude congeniality wins over our sexy Sadie.

I have very little to say about the [voice] acting. It is awful. All of it. Not even the few famous names, like the iconic Ron Jeremy, could have saved this dud.

As for what was seen, which can no longer be unseen… Actually, a lot of it isn’t any worse than what dog owners have to put up with from their own dogs (even the neutered ones), though yes, much of the “action” shots go overboard and become downright disgusting. There aren’t really any humans in the film, so at least you don’t have to worry about the filmmakers exploring that kind of pornographic terrain. Audience members unfamiliar with the biological reality of canine anatomy will be quickly initiated into that realm of knowledge. But hopefully you have more compelling reasons driving you to see this film, as I thought I did. Here at The House of Two Bows, we simply want to blog as many dog films as we can. In the end, I realized that I’m just not juvenile or bored or stupid enough to give this film any favorable points for consideration.

This is a pile of shit that you DON’T want to bother picking up…

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